Most of you probably saw that now-famous “Judge Judy” show last month, the one where John Bonetti brought suit against Dirty Wally. But for the benefit of those of you who missed it because your TV set is in the pawn shop, here’s what happened.
It seems that Bonetti staked Wally in a tournament satellite. When he saw how Wally played a hand that cost him all his chips, he became so enraged that he complained to every player in the room who would listen, and then he demanded his money back.
Wally indignantly refused, whereupon Bonetti sued him for impersonating a poker player. Wally in turn threatened to counter-sue for defamation of character, and they both agreed to air their differences on Judge Judy’s court TV program.
At the appointed hour, Dirty Wally, Bonetti, and Big Denny, whom John had brought along as a corroborating witness, stood in front of the judge. Dirty Wally wore his usual cowboy hat and jeans with a water bottle stuck in his back pocket. Big Denny was garbed in a Barstow Card Sbobet88 Casino T-shirt. Judge Judy stared at them in disbelief, then asked the plaintiff and defendant to identify themselves.
“I’m da plaintiff, your honor,” John Bonetti began. Dat bum dere boint up the dough I gave him t’ play on.”
“Hey,” Dirty Wally broke in, “bad beats happen to everyone. Besides, it was the dealer’s fault….”
Judge Judy banged her gavel. “How about we talk one at a time here? She peered at Dirty Wally over her reading glasses. “It says here that you call yourself ‘Dirty Wally.’ Is that your real name?”
“His real name is Cecil,” said Big Denny. “Hey, Theethil, kin I come over ta yer house an’ play wit yer dolls?” Big Denny snickered, then ducked as Dirty Wally flung his water bottle at him.
Judge Judy stared at Big Denny in disbelief. And who, pray tell, is this bozo?” she inquired.
“Dat bozo is my expoit witness,” Bonetti replied.
“Yeah, lady,” said Big Denny. “Ya got a problem wit dat?” For perhaps the first time in her life, Judge Judy was at a loss for words. She turned back to Dirty Wally. “This is a courtroom, Mr. Wally. Please remove your hat.” Wally did not respond. “Do you see my lips moving?” the judge berated him. “I asked you to take off that idiotic cowboy hat.”
Wally approached the bench and whispered something in her ear.
“I don’t care if you’re bald, that hat comes off!” she shouted, and yanked it off his head.
Unfortunately, the long, ratty wig to which it was attached came off as well, revealing that Wally was as bald as a melon.
“Eeeyah!” Judge Judy screamed. “Put that hat back on.” She sighed deeply. “Now, is it acceptible with everyone if we proceed? Mr. Bonetti, please state your case.”
“Soitenly,” Bonetti said. “Foist of all, I put this bum here in a satellite….”
“Where did you put him?” Judge Judy asked in confusion. “In a satellite,” Bonetti repeated.
“Ya see, it’s like poker, only instead of playin’ fer money, ya play ta win yer table, which if you should happen to do, then ya get to play in da regular tournament, so I put up 55 bucks of my own money for half of dat bum’s action, in case he should happen to win his table and cash out in the tournament, which ain’t too likely after I see da way he plays, like he’s a school goil just loinin’ da game, if ya know what I mean.”
Judge Judy had no clue what he meant. “Could you be a little more specific?” she prodded.
“Sure, Bonetti responded. Da game was 7-card stud highlow eight or better, which Wally tells me is one of his best games. Anyway, he’s in a pot playin’ against another poisen who’s got four low cards showin’, and he’s playin’ like king, jack, ten, an’ he’s tryin’ ta make a straight, an’ of course he don’t make it, an’ loses all his chips, and when I give him a little friendly advice by tellin’ him he’s the woist player who I have ever seen in my whole life, he gets mad and blames the dealer. Ain’t dat right, Denny?”
“Yeah, dat’s right,” said Big Denny. “I think Wally needs new glasses, or maybe a seein’ eye dog.”
Judge Judy still had no idea what was going on. “And what is your response, Mr. Wally?”
“I call as my witness that eminent poker authority, Miss Barbara Enright,” Wally announced triumphantly.
“OK, Barbara, now tell the judge what you told me.” “Oh, I once saw John play exactly the same hand exactly the same way in a tournament,” Enright testified.
“He got broke too.”
“Hey, dat was different!” Bonetti shouted. “Besides, it was da dealer’s fault. If dealers had more brains dey would be waiters.” Bonetti threw up his hands. “Anyway, what’s da use even discussin’ dis? It was my own fault stakin’ Wally. Only time I ever seen him cash out was once when he found two quarters in a telephone change slot.”
Now it was Wally’s turn to become incensed. “Hey, I’ve won over 200 tournaments!” he yelled.
“Yeah, den how come I ain’t never seen yer name in Card Player?” Bonetti demanded.
“I play under an assumed name to fool the IRS,” Wally replied.
“Yeah? What name?”
“T.J. Cloutier. How d’ya think he got named player of the year?”
An ancient creature in a Civil War cap struggled to his feet in the spectator section. “That’s tellin’ ’em, sonny,” cackled Filthy Willy, Dirty Wally’s grandfather.
Judge Judy banged down her gavel. “Order in the court!”
“OK,” said Big Denny. “I’ll have a ham and cheese sandwich on rye.”
Judge Judy banged her gavel down even harder.
“With a side order of pork chops,” Big Denny added.
Judge Judy held her head in obvious pain. “Oh, why didn’t I just become a dental hygienist?” she wailed. “All right, here’s my ruling. I haven’t the faintest idea what either of you two gentlemen are talking about, so I’m going to split the money down the middle, providing you both use it for educational purposes.”
“What kind of education?” they both asked. “Poker lessons for Mr. Wally and elocution lessons for Mr. Bonetti. Court is adjourned.”